Does your partner make you unhappy?

6 min readJan 3, 2021

a woman’s face looking sad, long dark hair

Do you often feel that if only your partner changed, everything would be ok? That you deserve better? Do you find it difficult to believe that even though you are telling him/her over and over again what you want, he/she is not acting on it? Doesn’t it make you powerless? Down? Let’s have a look at what you can do to take control of your happiness.

1. Find out what’s the real problem in your relationship

I will talk here about “standard” relationship problems. This article is not about addictions, gambling, abusive or violent relationships. If you are experiencing the above-mentioned problems, you need to seek professionals and deal with them on an individual basis.

Let’s have a look at statistics and facts first.

Statistics and facts

Almost 50 percent of all marriages in the United States will end in divorce or separation.
Researchers estimate that 41 percent of all first marriages end in divorce.
Every 13 seconds, there is one divorce in America.
The median duration of first marriages that end in divorce is between 7 and 8 years.
The average age for couples going through their first divorce is 30 years old.
60 percent of all divorces involve individuals aged 25 to 39.
Wives are the ones who most often file for divorce at 66 percent on average. That figure has soared to nearly 75 percent in some years.
Lack of commitment (73 %) is the most common reason given by divorcing couples according to a recent national survey, arguing too much is the number 2 reason.
Source: https://www.wf-lawyers.com/divorce-statistics-and-facts/ Data is valid for the USA.
Commitment is enhanced when individuals experience relationship satisfaction and it is increased when individuals invest important or numerous resources in the relationship. (Sacher & Fine, 1996).
Communication is the substance of relationships, without it, there is no relationship (Guerrero, Anderson & Afifi, 2011). Therefore, the quality of communication is important in determining the outcome of the relationship. When there is poor communication and conflicts arise, how a couple handles the conflict is key.
The way partners manage conflict is a better predictor of relationship satisfaction than the experience of the conflict itself (Guerrero, Anderson & Afifi, 2011)
Stable marriages have a 5:1 ratio of positivity versus negativity during the conflict, unstable marriage 0.8:1 (Gottman, J.M. and Levenson, R. 1999)
The average couple waits 6 years before seeking help for marital problems (Gottman, J.M.1994)

What’s the biggest problem in your relationship?

The most common problems according to the research are:

1. Lack of commitment

2. Communication (including arguments)

3. Lack of passion

If you are not sure about what’s the real struggle in your relationship, take a short 30-second Relationship Quiz. After taking the quiz you will be able to download a free ebook that will guide you through the most common relationship problems and how to solve them.

2. Don’t build your happiness solely on your relationship

a silhouette of a couple kissing during the sunset

Let’s talk about taking control of your life now. When we feel we are not able to control what’s happening in our lives, we feel powerless, defended, anxious, alert, and often, depressed. The truth is that you CAN control most of the things in your life. You can control your emotions, your thoughts, your actions…What you CAN’t control is the behavior of others including your partner.

Therefore if you think that your happiness depends on the behavior of your partner, you might feel very unsure and even unhappy. You can’t control what he/she will do. That’s the fact. You can influence him/her, but you can’t change him/her. Read here about how to take control of your life.

3. Take responsibility for your happiness

a woman with long braided blond hair on the top of the mountain

I believe that happiness stands on two legs: relationships and life fulfillment & purpose. If you are putting all the weight of the responsibility for your happiness on only one leg (relationship), it will soon be overloaded and painful. You need to take care of the other leg (life fulfillent&purpose) too. Then you will be happy and believe me, your partner will be happier too. It’s not a pleasant feeling to know that whatever you do influences your partner’s happiness. When you take this heavyweight off his/her shoulders, your partner will feel lighter and guilt-free.

If you want to find out what your life purpose is, read my article here.

4. Take your life and your relationship to another level

a couple sitting during the sunset, several candles around them, looking at the city lights

Do you remember the #1 reason couples are breaking up?

Lack of commitment.

We might say we are trying our best, but is it the truth? Are we putting the same amount of energy into the relationship as we did at the beginning? Are we asking our partner about his/her friends, job, hobbies with the same interest as we used to? When was the last time you had fun with your partner? If you want to take your relationship to another level, you need to work on it.

I know, right? That’s the big secret?

Listen, it’s like losing weight. There are lots of strategies on how to lose weight. However, unless you commit, take action, and work on it, nothing will change. The research shows us, that unless people pay at least $100 for the course, the chances are, they will never take it seriously, they will never commit, and therefore they will never see the results. No matter how brilliant the course is.

Here is what I would suggest you do to improve your relationship. And yes, you need to start with yourself. When you will know what makes you happy besides your relationship, your relationship will have much better chances to thrive.

21 Things To Learn To Improve Your Relationship

a young couple walking on the beach holding hands. From behind

1. Discover your life purpose

2. Focus on self-love

3. Break your limiting beliefs

4. Be you

5. Make growth part of your life and your relationship

6. Be aware of gender differences regarding the needs in a relationship

7. Make gratitude part of your every day

8. Have realistic expectations

9. Learn about 5 love languages and 6 human needs theories

10. Know how to erase the hurtful feelings from your past

11. Share your biggest fears with your partner

12. Make your communication smooth and effective

13. Set goals as a couple

14. Find the time to work on your relationship

15. Celebrate the differences between you.

16. Have fun together

17. Recreate the best past experiences

18. Align your finances approach

19. Have a date once a week

20. Renew your woes every year

21. Adopt healthy relationship habits

Feels like a lot? That’s why I have created the Fix Your Marriage course where I am covering all the points above and more. Click here to check it out.

Conclusion

· Don’t ever feel powerless. There is always something you can do to feel happy and to make your relationship thrive.

· Start with yourself.

· Focus on finding your life purpose. Find out what brings you joy besides your relationship. That way you will be able to be happy no matter what your partner does, and at the same time, you will take a heavyweight off your partner’s shoulders.

· Don’t underestimate fun. If you have a feeling that it’s impossible to have fun while staying at home, check out The 30 Activities For Couples free ebook here.

· Lack of Commitment is the #1 reason for relationships to break up. You need to commit and do some real work. However, if you approach it from the right angle, it can be fun to work on your relationship! Don’t wait and start today!